Apr 29, 2025

Hello everyone, first of all,

I'm currently in a phase of indecision about which topics I should start writing about. Honestly, it's not like I’ve gone from good to bad or bad to good, so I can’t even say that I’m inexperienced. Even if I gained experience, I can’t tell if I would write better or worse — because I don’t have a clear measure for it.
However, I have been preoccupied for years with questions that confuse my mind (as I believe they do for every person): What is good, what is bad, what is experience, what is desire, what is living, what is purpose, what is time, and so on.
I realized a long time ago that my memory isn’t the strongest; and although it's quite enjoyable to keep circling back to the same topics, I've decided to start writing just to check whether I keep forgetting what I thought and end up repeating myself while trying to disprove my own ideas.
That's why my first topic is about writing itself.

I’ve come to the conclusion that knowledge is more of something to be received rather than just a level to be reached (I think there’s a collective taboo like "the more you know, the more evolved you are"). I believe knowledge exists to check reality and also as a means of pleasure.
Since there’s no external source where I can obtain knowledge about my own thoughts and behaviors, I define writing as a tool for analyzing one’s own world. I see it as a kind of personal research about oneself and one’s own history.
And now, as I’m just beginning, for the time being...

Of course, the reason I’m publishing this is entirely different.
But writing, by its nature, is a solitary act; it should be honest — as if telling a story to someone else but at the same time telling it to myself. Because when I write, I don’t know how much I will erase, how much I will reread, how much I will revise, or how much I will simply be curious about later.
The real pleasure is in seeing whether I can have a true dialogue with myself — a debate between me and myself.
Am I sure I want to say this? Do I truly believe this? That’s what writing forces me to ask myself.
And that’s why I decided to do this: to see whether my ideas have any true value for me before I try to explain them to others.

Of course, there’s also a curiosity about how much someone else might understand me if they read my writing.
But the true joy lies in trying to understand myself.
Before people fight to explain themselves to one another, I believe a person should first be able to analyze themselves — because I personally cannot break free from my self-centered thinking.
It took me a long time to come to this.
Can someone introduce themselves to another without first becoming themselves?
I think this is a universal matter, not just for me.
And I believe that all of life is built upon this question:
Who am I? What am I doing?

Our whole life is spent analyzing this question, responding to it in different ways, sometimes forgetting it altogether.
At the end of the road, we’ll have our answer ready.
But until then, I must admit:
I’m tired of not being able to track the answers I give myself without writing them down.
In a way, deciding to write now is also a way of saying:
"I don’t want to not write anymore."

And there are countless stories behind how my thoughts have taken shape.
Maybe these imaginary worlds could one day transform into reality.

Why do I have this urge inside me?
Because I’m tired of no longer finding joy in things, of brushing everything off because it’s rushed, of insincerity and superficiality, of the obsession with happiness — and so many other things.
I want this world to be shaped the way I envision it.
Yet I can neither fully escape from it nor fully dive into it.

I’m not afraid of dominating with my ideas, of daring to step into people’s lives, or of being deeply affected by a single movement or word from people or objects.
That’s how it’s been so far.
But I must not forget:
As a human being, I must accept that I don't have the capacity to constantly monitor this knowledge or to instantly create the necessary connections whenever I want or whenever they come to mind.

Maybe after writing, I’ll be better able to decide what’s right and what’s wrong.
And that's why I’ll give writing a real try.